What’s a bloke’s ultimate embarrassment? Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose! Maybe. Seriously though, struggling with getting it up or keeping it up is your worst nightmare so I am going to share my tips and tricks around understanding the difference between performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction, and perhaps provide a little reassurance for you. I want to help you with what the hell to do about it (for both you AND your partner)! Sex should be fun, right? So, let’s talk about it.
Think you might be struggling with erectile dysfunction (ED) or ‘impotence’ (ohhh I hate that word… if ever there was a word to make a bloke feel really sh!t then this is IT!!)? You may struggle to initially get hard, or just when you are about to get right into the whole nitty-gritty… whoops… your tough mate just softened… your challenge might not have been ‘getting’ hard, it was ‘staying’ hard. Premature ejaculation (PE) is also related to performance anxiety most of the time. Your mind has a lot to do with PE, although sometimes it can be a physiological issue. If you are finding that you have PE, then work through ED first, as you might find the strategies you use for ED helps any PE.
Sex. If you felt pretty nervous beforehand… then your anxiety just multiplied if you struggled in some way, and you are already starting to wonder about the next time. Should I mention here the added pressure from your partner’s reaction? She may have taken it personally and said, “you just don’t fancy me” or “I will never be good enough for you” or try this one “it doesn’t matter” (of course is freaking matters – to the both of you!!! Brushing it off and going to sleep is not the resolution.) Then your partner says the absolute worst, “let’s just lie here and cuddle” (you do not want to bloody cuddle! You want to do so much more… but you just lost all control and feel like absolute sh!t). It doesn’t feel like anything she says or does will fix it, and you feel like you just have to suck it up and probably comfort her, when deep down you are the one who needs reassurance and comfort.
First up, I want to comment on porn! Porn is accessible now more than ever and you might be thinking that men are all great performers. I can quite honestly tell you, that all men feel nervous, feel anxious, and want to deliver a great sexual experience to their partner. Every single one of you thinks about how good you are and how great you want to be. Let me clarify one thing – YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE GREAT SEXUAL PERFORMERS! Take that pressure off yourself RIGHT NOW!
Secondly, who taught you how to have sex? Ohhh that’s right ‘you figured it out for yourself’! Guys, do you EVER really openly, honestly, and authentically talk about sex? No! We aren’t raised in a culture that allows blokes (or women, to be fair) to openly talk about it and quite frankly, as much as you are ‘supposed’ to be sexperts in the sack, the truth is, nearly all of you have worked it out for yourself, over time and through personal experiences. You have fumbled your way… maybe using porn as your guide (and without realising it, this porn has added to the pressure you put on yourself).
My next point – VIAGRA! Seriously – how pharmaceutical companies have marketed drugs for ED has almost sent a blanket message that erection issues are not acceptable and that ALL erection issues are related to ED. What a heap of crap! Erection issues are pretty common for men across all ages and at some point, in every bloke’s life – they will experience challenges, be the cause physiological or psychological. Gents let me reassure you – any problems you might be having are fairly normal and a solution exists. I promise!
I will tell you too that your erection issues are likely to be more of a concern to you in a committed relationship, than a casual fling, because you think about it more. You worry about what you will do more, and it means so much more to you.
Do you want to know what can soften your erection? You and your thinking! You can literally ‘think’ your erection away… (ouch!!!)
Think about this one; giving a speech at your wedding in front of family, friends, and loved ones, or a speech from a stage with an audience of strangers. The first creates a hell of a lot more anxiety and this affects you deeply.
I need to separate the difference for you.
Righto, ED can be hormone-related, and if you think that it could be, then see your doctor and have your testosterone levels checked. Testosterone deficiency could be the cause. Stress, alcohol, meds, disease, obesity, or other physiological conditions may well be impacting on you and my suggestion here is to think about all of those. If ED occurs after a few beers, then it’s pretty logical what you need to do.
You may have had prostate cancer and now have ED, but again there are pills, injections, prosthetics and sexual aides to help you, but you will know if this is the case. If you are in no way stressed or worried about your relationship and your partner, then go and see your doctor. If you feel mentally and emotionally well and you pretty well have your sh!t together, then go and see the doc. (I will talk more about physiological impacts in a separate article).
If you know that your situation is not physiological and you still feel attracted to your partner, then it has to be psychological – your mind!
So, your mind pulls your erection away and you feel incredible shame, guilt, and devastation.
What the hell should you do about performance anxiety? Gents, I am going to tell you!
#1 Cut yourself some slack
If you have put unfair pressure on yourself or you are starting to stress, then your stress hormones will naturally narrow the blood vessels. Seriously! How on earth do you keep a raging hard-on when you are so stressed out and your blood supply has just reduced by about two thirds. Physically impossible!
#2 Do not think about the next time
You struggle with staying hard on one occasion, so the next time you start to stress about it more… and the next time you start to think about it even earlier to almost try to pre-empt what’s going to happen. The more you try to control what is going to happen, the less control you have (certainly over your penis!). Think about it – you have dinner, watch a movie and then… as it gets later and later you are starting to stew over your performance. ‘What if I don’t get hard enough?’ ‘What if I ejaculate too soon?’ ‘What if she doesn’t climax?’ and it goes on…
#3 Distract yourself
The more you are thinking about your performance – the less focused on the sex you are, so naturally your arousal levels decrease mid-way. I won’t tell you ‘not to think about it’ (this will make you think about it even more) but I will tell you that you can both become distracted in many ways; the build-up, some fun, a game, a bath, music or a movie… do not watch porn together though as this may just be counterproductive, but taking your focus away from ‘getting hard and staying hard’ is key.
#4 Redefine sex to you both
Whoever told you that sex is all about penetration? Take some bloody pressure off yourself! Sex is not always about penetration and you can both have heaps of sexual fun without the focus being on a hard dick. Please each other in new ways, or different ways, and consider taking the time to understand what arouses each other. Maybe even explore yourself a little more with masturbation and see what helps you to climax (differently) or last longer, then share some ideas with your partner (the best thing you can do here is working out a strategy and then share it, as hard as that might be).
#5 Have fun
Sex. This is not an expectation for you to ‘deliver’ and ‘nail it’.
I promise you. You are amazing in all you have and all you can do, I am sure. Go back to having some fun together and think about your mindset. If you both see sex as penetration with an erect penis, that leads to climax for both of you, then herein is your biggest problem. Redefining what sex means to the both of you and having fun with where you get to will be great for you both – and will lead to more orgasms.
Finally, talking to your partner is crucial. Be honest, open, and true to yourself about this and see you and your penis as a team.
You need to work together to function at your absolute best. 😊
I do need to mention this one… the truth is, you may well not be attracted to your partner. Well, this is a whole different article to read and a whole different issue for you both.
The bottom line is sex is never just sex and you can be just as emotional as us women. You know if your erection issues are down to the fact that you are not attracted to your partner… and if you think this is the case, then check out my article on what you do about that!
Sex should be fun. Go make it fun again…