If I were to ask you how satisfied you are between the sheets, the chances are you would say that it is ok. Most would say that it is pretty average. Some would say ‘awesome’ and some would say ‘non-existent’, but overall, from all my years in the industry I hear a lot of, ‘our sex life is alright’.
Next question! Are you happy with ‘alright’ or do you want the answer to be ‘amazing’?
If you said that you are happy with ‘alright’ then you need to quite fibbing to yourself right now! If you are satisfied with ‘alright’ then you my friend, need to start exploring because you deserve a great sex life.
Righto. Let me explain the steps to improving what you are getting between the sheets. If you follow each step, then you will notice a positive change.
Step #1 – Work out what it is you want
So, you know it is sexually going ok, or it might not be, and you reflect and realise that it could be better. Great! How will it sound to your lover if you say ‘hey, I hardly climax anymore, and I want it to change’ or ‘can you please stop. I don’t like it’. Really!? Imagine their hurt and pain not to mention feelings of rejection during quite an intense moment! The truth is, if you have read this far, a little tiny piece of you is afraid to bring it up, for many different reasons personal to you. This step needs you to spend some time thinking about what you would like to change, how you would like to change it and why. Be confident in what you are saying or asking. You do not need to know the answer, and you can get there with your partner but what you should know for this stage is what your point is. Do not be afraid to research, read and look up online tips and tricks to guide you.
Step #2 – Timing
Not a wise idea to invest so much time and thought into what you are going to say and how you approach it then blurt out right when your partner is about to climax, “I’ve been thinking that we need to have a serious talk.” Best anticlimax ever! Timing, mood, ambience, setting, tone, and the spin you put on your point are crucial to how well received it will be. Remember the good old sh!t sandwich? Positive-negative-positive! Try it. It could go something like this, “hey sweetie, you know how my favourite part of our bedroom fun is the amount of effort you go to, to build up, I have a little secret around something I’d like us to try when you next… oh and it makes my heart melt when you cuddle me for ages after we finish..”
Step #3 – Prepare
Why not? This follows on from working out what you want to say, working out when and how to say it and before you take the plunge consider the elements which could affect the context around the conversation. Have they had a big day at work? Are they feeling stressed about anything that you might not realise? Do they have something big coming up to think about? Are there any family distractions? Remember, what is important to you, is not always overly important to them and vice versa. You may have been together for years… but you will always be thinking and prioritising in your own mind. It will be wasted having the conversation if you both are not fully present and focussed.
Step #4 – Be Bold
Have you any idea how sexy and desirable ‘confidence’ can be? If you nail the first three steps above, then you should feel prepared enough to be bold with what you are suggesting or asking for. Maybe you would love more foreplay, perhaps there’s a little roleplaying that appeals to you or maybe anal is striking a chord. You have been thinking about it for a little while so whatever you do, do not go in too strong, knowledgeable, and determined but you must be bold. Absorb compliments about your partner in your request, so what I mean here is say you would like to try role playing you could kick off with something like this, “…I find you so sexy and you have shoulders that could save and carry injured people from burning buildings.. how would you feel about helping me really picture you saving those people by making it a bit more realistic…”? Break your desire, fantasy or thoughts into baby steps and ease into it slowly… this keeps it safe for both of you and tests each boundary gently, stretching the comfort levels in tiny incremental amounts.
Step #5 – Be honest
Be ready for a knock-back as this may possibly come to a shock to your partner. Yes, you have been pondering for a while but do not be surprised if they are sincerely taken aback from your conversation. How will you be? Will you get sad? Will you get mad or will you be honest? Yes! You will be honest! You have got this far! You have reached step 5 so there is no point at all walking away now. You will be incredibly honest with how you feel and if you have worked hard with steps 1 – 4 then whether they are surprised or not, you are ready for any outcome at this stage and you can handle it. Any emotion at this stage is your mind processing the conversation.
Step #6 – Listen
It is now time to let your partner do the talking. Their reaction has settled, you have been honest with your response and it is now time to hear them out and encourage them to contribute to the open conversation that you have very boldly started, around improving both of your sex lives. This is not all about you, or your partner and a deeper level of communication, understanding and connection must happen as a sound foundation to your relationship, not only sexually but overall. You might even learn that your partner has a secret sexual fantasy too, or a kinky side that they have been hiding from you for years because they too were afraid of exactly the same as you, prior to step 1. Guess what? You are a bit of a sexpert now as you made it to step 6 – so step up and guide them with their honesty and openness, encouraging them to share any secret desires with you.
Step #7 – Take Steps
Just to reiterate how important the steps are. The steps above are crucial, but baby steps within the steps above will make each element more considered and more likely to be well received by your partner. Taking steps is not putting off or delaying what you are trying to achieve. You are investing time and energy into your sexual relationship with yourself and your partner, so take as long as you feel is necessary with each and you will make it.
Want to know a secret? If you both successfully make it through all the steps above and it resulted in a warm and safe-feeling for the both of you then you have just entered into a whole new space together with your sex life. Naturally, both of you will feel more comfortable having a second conversation and who knows where it will end up but I can almost guarantee that your sex life will not just remain ‘alright’ but closer to ‘amazing’!
Ella.💕