Flirting or Friendly? 😉

Flirting is behaving in a playful way towards someone, as though you are sexually attracted to them.

The intent may be innocent, and the act might be just for fun or amusement.  It might be written, spoken or non-verbal.

Generally, men will tend to overestimate a lady’s friendliness as her having sexual interest whereas a lady will assume the man is being friendly, underestimating their sexual intentions. Whether we consider someone as ‘flirting’ towards us, is individual to each of us and linked to our self-esteem. If a lady is responsive at all to a guy, they are inclined to think they are interested in him. Ladies tend to not even notice the guy’s behaviour as flirtatious.

Whether you are flirting or friendly, your behaviour can easily be misinterpreted. How to work it out largely depends on the context and how well the two people know each other etc. but a few key behaviours do help us identify whether someone is flirting with us.

If you want to be a great flirt, my biggest tip would be to relax in the moment and roll with it, rather than thinking too hard or trying overly hard. Flirting is mainly unconscious behaviour.

If you want to better understand whether someone is flirting with you, check out my top ten signs below.

Flirting is harmless and fun, however, be aware that it is a behaviour that is saying ‘I am into you’ so if you have a partner already, flirting is inviting someone into an intimate space with you. ‘Flirt with caution’ is my advice!

Are they Flirting?

#1. They will touch you

Yep, anyone who is interested in you will find a way to make physical contact with you, whether they outright touch you on the arm or hand, or gradually move towards you and get physically closer. If they are being friendly, touching is generally a no-no, but with flirting it is one of the key behaviours.

#2. They will look at you for longer

It is true! Being friendly is looking at someone when you are talking, but if they hold the eye contact longer or you feel as though they are looking into your eyes, then this my friend, is a sure-fire sign that they are flirting with you. Look at their behaviour too when they look at you. Are they glancing and nodding, or do they look into your eyes, maybe squint a little and smile? I hate to say this but ‘come to bed eyes’ are very real and if someone is flirting with you, they may just work those eyes. (Watch out for them checking you out too!! If you catch them, then you can be reassured that they are most likely flirting).

#3. They will play with themselves

Nooo, I do not mean it like that! Haha Although if it is via telephone, some may find their hands wander as they talk to you. If they play with their clothing, their hair, bite their lower lip when you smile at them or you see them responding to your smile or words, then they could well be flirting. Friendliness does not usually include so many non-verbal cues, so watch out for them.  Watch to see if their eyebrows raise and their facial expressions are slightly exaggerated too. Their non-verbal behaviour will speak volumes if you watch closely.

#4. They will tease and torment you

Changing how the conversation is going adds more fun and a slightly cheekier dynamic than a friendly chat.  If they tease you in a fun way, or you tease them back then you are responding to their flirty behaviour. When someone teases you, you unconsciously choose whether to be vulnerable or not, and they do the same in response. If you both begin teasing each other, yes you are allowing vulnerability but the message that is sent to the other person is that you are comfortable acting this way with them.  Two people sharing vulnerability can lead to attraction.

#5. They will make you their focus

It does not matter if there are twenty people in the room, you will be their focus and their full attention will be given to you. If it feels like you are the only person in the room to the one who might be flirting, then guess what?  They are flirting.  With other people in the room, watch how they are with the others and consider whether their behaviour is different towards you.  They may be very friendly, but they may also be very friendly and when it comes to you, it will feel different. You will know if they treat you differently to the others.

#6. They will be inquisitive

They will most likely cut through the small talk and want to get to know who you are. Some friendly people do this (I am a shocker for this!  Unfortunately, I fall into this friendly-flirt behaviour because if I meet someone smart and interesting I naturally jump to ‘who the heck are you?’ mode and I want to know everything from where they were born, what are their fears and life-long ambitions are to knowing what makes them tick.)  Some (and I get this!) hate small talk so be careful with this one. Most of the time though, if they are cutting the small talk and they are very interested in who you are, then have a look at the other signals, or how they speak to others, to work out whether they are flirting with you.

#7. They will not mention their partner

They could be married, or in a relationship and you think they are flirting with you.  Sometimes people in a relationship do flirt because they see it as a bit of fun, with no real intent to sleep with the person they are flirting with!  Some people flirt to feed their ego and feel good about themselves.  You might like to flirt, and you are not single too.  If they do not mention their partner to you, or they avoid the topic then this could be a sign that they are flirting.  If you avoid the topic, you could well be responding to their flirty behaviour.

#8. They will compliment you

A friendly compliment is nice. We all love it. A friendly compliment with any of the above behaviours is a sign of flirting. If they offer you a compliment, with a little tease then bite their lip – they are flirting! If they offer a compliment smile or nod and move on to the next part of the conversation, or they walk away, then this is being friendly. Do not start seeing all compliments as flirting!  The compliment must be attached to another behaviour to tell the difference.

#9. They steer the conversation and their body

A friendly conversation feels as though you are having a chat with someone, depending on the context of course as to how it feels, but it has a balance and you almost steer the conversation together. If someone is flirting with you, they may steer it into a different direction from the safe zone. They may playfully talk about sex or make sexual innuendo comments with their words. Again, I must warn you – some people do enjoy talking about sex so weigh this one up with the points above and if there are a few behaviours together, then they are flirting.

If they have steered the conversation into a sexual topic and give you no other reason to think they are flirting, then they may only be being friendly.  Watch their body though.  Are they open to you? Are they leaning in? Are they angled towards you? Are they tilting their head and being a little shy? Watch these and watch how they are with others to tell whether they are flirting with you.

# 10. They will make you feel special

This is one to be careful of! If they are flirting, not only will they make you feel special, but they will use words to attempt to manipulate you a little. Manipulate is a tough word to use, but with some flirting, it is what they may do; use their body and words to ‘play’ and hook you in.  It is a natural behaviour which says, ‘I like you’ and of course they want you to like them back, or they are going to test the boundaries and see if you will like them back. Remember though, this is not a conscious behaviour.  Generally, they are not thinking ‘what can I say that will tell me whether they like me?’ nor are they thinking ‘I want to sleep with that person so what can I say to them so they will sleep with me?’ (or maybe they are).  I will be frank though – they may have already decided that they want to go out with you, or have sex with you – yes, that would be very conscious but how they ‘behave’ is not so much.

How do I Flirt to Get What I Want?

Righto, above are ten signs that someone is flirting with YOU, but how can you use the above to get what YOU want? Read them and consider how you might ‘do’ them, but I have skimmed over only some. Here are a few of my secret tips that will also help you.

#1. Empower them

Not only make them feel special or pay them a compliment but help them to feel empowered. This will depend on the context of course, but I will give you an example. You could be at work or in a meeting and you invite your colleague to make a suggestion.  You show that you trust their judgement, respect their opinion, and want them to feel great – because of you acting as the enabler to that. Make sense?

#2. Appreciate them

If you are wanting to flirt with someone for whatever reason, do not do all the talking – let them!  Get to know them and let your words and body say, ‘I appreciate you for who you are’. They will feel this and with any luck, they will be attracted to it (and hopefully you!).

#3. Be patient

If you are flirting, do not jump into it. See flirting like the foreplay of foreplay and go slow, steady and have fun. Do not focus on any ‘result’ as such, but instead enjoy their company and ‘them’. They will feel you enjoying them, and they may enjoy you back, leading to a little connection.

#4. Find their spark

Not only get to know them a little but find a little commonality in the conversation. Watch them talk and find out what sparks their soul and work with that as a start. You will see them light up, or their eyes widen and when you do touch on a topic which creates excitement within them- jump onto that topic immediately.  Hook right in and ask away.  Keep them excited and get excited with them.

#5. Have fun

Relax and enjoy yourself.

Drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw, and soften your smile. Decide to have fun and be warm.  Be sharp, but not arrogant and be witty but not sarcastic.  Flirting should be fun and even if they do not flirt back, you can see it as a little practice for the next time.

All the points above can help you become a more successful flirt (let’s be honest here – you are flirting because you kinda fancy them) but they can also help you differentiate between your ‘friendly’ and ‘flirty’ behaviour.  If you are trying to work out whether someone is flirting with you, make sure you do consider all the ten points earlier on and ensure there are at least three of those behaviours present before you assume they are flirting with you.

They could be a very friendly person, and of course, if you do not think they are flirting and you fancy them then go ahead and make sure you are doing at least three of those behaviours yourself (plus some of my five secret tips) and then watch and see if they flirt back.

Your non-verbal behaviour is the loudest so remember this!  Be aware of how you are responding to the person you are talking to and you decide what message you would like to give them.  Are you wanting to be flirty or friendly?  Either is fine, but both send a message.

Remain in control of your message.

Ella.💕