The thought of your marriage being over will bring with it a bucket load of emotions! Sadness, guilt, disappointment, relief, anger, rage, happiness, worry, stress and fear are all natural feelings but as tough as it is to make a marriage a success, sometimes they come to an end.
Sometimes a marriage will have a shorter life span than you expected or hoped, whether you both want it to or not…
How do you know your marriage is over though? When do you draw that line in the sand and take that step to move on from your marriage? Note here that I’m not saying you are ‘turning your back on it’ nor are you ‘walking away’.
Please do not consider your marriage ending as all negative! Yes, when you got married, you’d have lots of sex and fantasise about getting old and grey together perhaps watching the grandkids play, but the reality is, sometimes life doesn’t roll the way we all dream.
Righto, check out the following 15 questions and be honest with how you answer them to yourself. I’m not providing you with any solutions to each point, the purpose is to help you consider the fate of your marriage.
1. Can you talk to your spouse about almost everything?
Now, you might hide that sneaky bet or the new dress or you might ‘imply’ that the new pet pup was a freebie just to keep the peace. Look, this stuff is healthy! We all do it and it’s fine. I’m talking about your relationship, your feelings, your thoughts or your desires? If something is upsetting you can you talk to them? If they are bothering you, are you comfortable approaching them about it? If you don’t feel you can approach them about just about anything then your marriage could be in trouble.
2. Do you have healthy sex?
I do not mean that once a week you roll over, have sex then get on with your day. That is not healthy sex. I am asking you whether you have intimate sex, that means something valuable to you both. Some couples rarely have sex which is fine, and some might only have sex once a month but if it is intimate and not just ‘for the sake of’ doing it, then great. If you feel your sexual attraction towards them has changed and you rarely have sex or want sex, then your marriage could be in trouble. Marriage needs intimacy for survival. If you have a lack of intimacy in your marriage then you may feel like mates, which means you could behave that way too.
3. Do you enjoy activities without your spouse?
Some solo time is bloody awesome! I get it! I love my own space on occasion but are you planning to go to places and see others without your spouse? Worst still, do you enjoy hanging out with single friends, or in places where ‘single’ people hang out? Do you occasionally avoid inviting your spouse to parties or dinners with you? If you prefer to live a little more like a single person rather than the married person you are, then your marriage might need some reflection.
4. Is your spouse in your future?
Maybe not the next five years but in ten or twenty years time, do you see yourself in a world with your spouse? Are you both on the same journey? Of course, you will have very different aspirations and dreams, but as long as you are on the same page and you see a place with each other going forwards, then your marriage is fine. If you don’t then your marriage may be in trouble.
5. Do you have urges to cheat?
Maybe you want to cheat, maybe you get an urge but do not act on it or maybe you are already cheating on your spouse, for whatever reason this may be, and I’m not going into that here, but it’s a clear indication that your marriage is in trouble.
6. Do you have an emotional attachment with somebody else?
An emotional attachment with a dear friend is innocent, right? You only confide in them on occasion and you respect their guidance. No worries! You won’t be hiding this friendship from your spouse then! If you are hiding it then that’s a pretty clear indication that you’re not being all that innocent. You may be having an emotional affair or you may refer to it as a special friendship, either way, if you feel you have this emotional attachment with someone else then yep, you guessed it, your marriage could very well be in trouble.
7. When you get a little upset with them, does your mind jump to splitting up and imagines a life without them?
If they make you mad or all fired up, do you think about going it solo? Maybe you aren’t mad, but you get fed up of ‘dealing with their sh!t’ all the time so your mind wanders to a world following a divorce. If you do, then this indicates to me that your marriage is in trouble.
8. Do your arguments get personal?
A little conflict is great! A heated discussion is healthy as you can learn so much about each other and working out a resolution is powerful for your relationship. What tells me that your marriage is in trouble is when you get worked up and then get nasty, or criticise them in a personal way, which makes them feel pretty bloody crappy. I bet you don’t feel much better either!
9. Do your conversations tend to lead to an argument or silence?
A perception of a broken relationship is continual arguing. Arguing is not a sign that your marriage is over. If your conversations nearly always lead to an argument then yes, it’s in trouble. Silence can be equally as destructive to your relationship. Continual arguing or regular silence tells me that there is some level of disconnect between you both in your marriage. If you don’t work through the disconnect, then it will grow and unfortunately, resentment, anger and a whole load of negative emotions will follow. A disconnect of this level means that your marriage is in trouble.
10. Do you respect your partner?
You probably respected them once, I mean, you married them, right? They have changed though and so have you, which means your values and your attitude may have changed but so has theirs perhaps. Your appearance has changed, so has theirs and both of you could be so different from what you were… and you might not realise it. Your personality type remains pretty well the same throughout your lifetime, but so many other aspects about you changes. If you don’t take their suggestions on board or you don’t value their ideas and often come back with a sly comment or dig, then this means that you don’t respect them quite so much. A marriage must have respect from both of you. If one of you does not respect the other then yes, your marriage is in trouble.
11. Does your relationship exhaust you?
If your marriage is tiring and you just don’t feel like you have the energy to invest into it, or your partner, then something is wrong. Putting effort into your marriage might take a little energy but it should not leave you feeling so shattered that you are feeling that exhausted. Maybe it’s spending time with your spouse that drains you or maybe it’s the relationship, but if you are feeling emotionally, mentally or physically drained from being together then your marriage is not in a healthy place.
12. Do you give your spouse your undivided attention? Are you ‘present’?
You might be a high flying CEO who takes your work home with you every night so can justify sitting in front of your laptop whilst watching tv, or you might be googling how to fix your latest project whilst your partner is telling you about their day… ask yourself whether you give them your undivided attention and if so whether it is genuine and sincere. Are you really listening to them and are you giving back to the conversation? If you’d rather sit on your computer or device and this is becoming a regular habit, rather than giving your spouse your time, then your marriage might need you to think about it.
13. Do you still have things in common?
You do not need to enjoy all the same activities nor do you need to even have many similarities but you do need to have some things in common so you remain connected and have something to discuss. If you have nothing at all in common anymore, then it could mean trouble for your marriage.
14. Do you want to compromise?
You will know if you are being purposefully awkward, digging your heels in and refusing to meet your spouse halfway. Being wrong or right isn’t your driver here. You are just choosing not to compromise. If you want to make your marriage work, you will put the effort in and go to great lengths to make it work. If you really want to fix your marriage, but you won’t compromise then perhaps you might be telling yourself stories! If you struggle to say sorry and admit you were in the wrong, then this too means your marriage may be in trouble.
15. Are you doing everything possible to save your marriage?
Are you? Have you talked to your spouse? Have you tried therapy? Have you both stuck at the therapy? Have you invested 100% effort into your marriage? If you don’t think you have, then this means it could be in trouble.
All the above could be asked around YOUR behaviours and feelings, or you could go through the questions and consider your spouse and their behaviours.
Please remember though, that you can answer them about the behaviour of your spouse but unless you ask YOUR SPOUSE the questions directly, your answer is only an assumption, based on your perception (which is highly likely incorrect).
If your relationship involves health concerns with either you or your partner, drugs or alcohol are involved or you know there is something else, such as hormonal imbalance or mental health challenges, please seek professional help from your doctor before assuming the relationship is over.
These factors can have huge impacts on your marriage but need to be considered separate to the issues that the above questions raise.
If your spouse has started displaying very negative behaviour towards you, please remember that you are worth it and CAN make a decision. Support is available for you.
Deciding that your marriage is over is overwhelming and extremely emotional. It is not so clear cut, might have heavy consequences, and can be incredibly scary but I do need to reassure you that whatever you decide, is ok. You will survive and you will make the best decision for yourself. Trust your judgement and trust your strength to get through it.
Remember, your emotions are your natural response to your brain processing information. Take control and do not let your emotions control you. You are in control!
Finally, you are important and you matter. The end of the marriage is not necessarily a reflection on you and you might read this feeling bad because you cheated, or you fell out of love… Problems existed a long time before you cheated! Maybe you feel as though you have tried everything and they are just not putting in the effort.
All the responsibility does not lie on you and you alone. It took two people to say ’I do’ and it takes two people to make a marriage a success, but even then, some successful marriages do not last a lifetime…