You just don’t fancy your partner anymore? Having sex with them is more like a chore! It does not matter here whether you are a bloke or a lady, relationships change, people change, and guess what? What you enjoy changes! What can make it worse for you is if you have feelings for someone else, or you see somebody who you find more attractive, regularly. You might be undressing people in the coffee shop or on the train, and then when you get home and look at your partner, feel quite dissatisfied with what you come home to.
Is this wrong? No. What is wrong, is acting on it and doing something about it with this other person. Your tastes will change, but if you are in a committed relationship with somebody and you just don’t fancy them anymore then you can work it out. You do not need to ‘act’ on your thoughts. Your behaviour is what is important here.
The chemistry and connection that initially brought you and your partner together can die, so it takes effort from the pair of you to reconnect and ignite fresh chemistry.
I talk about sex a lot and I want to ask you this, “how often do you and your partner have sex?”
What did you say?
- Never/hardly ever
You have a problem – but it is not over! Don’t quit on you both just yet.
This will take considerable effort.
Both of you long to feel wanted, needed, and desired but without any sex in your relationship the bonding and chemistry between you is in trouble. Do not give up though. You just need to apply a lot of effort.
- Once or twice a week
This is great! Most couples who have been together for a long time have sex on average twice a week. You need to consider the ‘depth’ of this sex though and whether it has become a routine ‘tick the box’ occurrence or whether you are both putting in equal effort into each other to make it meaningful.
- More than twice a week
If you are reading this because you no longer fancy your partner, but you are sleeping with them more than twice a week then that is interesting? My next question would be “do you want to sleep with them this many times a week?” If you do, then great, quit reading, but if not your resentment towards them is going to build unless you talk to them now.
How do you become sexually attracted to them?
Million-dollar question!
Your partner might have slipped on an extra 50kgs in weight, become an alcoholic, or never been the person you thought they were.
They may just have changed… remember that you have changed too! Do you know what is exciting about a new relationship? Discovery! Challenge! Freshness! Exploration! These elements lead to the excitement around their mind, body, and emotions – their soul! It becomes a playground for you, and it creates a whole mix of wonderful sensations and internal responses. Being with someone for the long haul means all these elements are almost gone. You can bring back excitement though! You can bring back that lust and passion, it will just take a little thought and action from you both.
#1. Talk
If you do not fancy your partner, I bet they have noticed and maybe they feel the same about you too. You are not the person they first met either you know? You do not need to tell them that you are on longer attracted to them (please do not do that) but you do need to say that both of you have changed and you’d love to reignite that spark again. Ask how they feel – even if what they say pains you, take it on the chin, listen then do something about it!
#2. Sexplore
This one is just so important! You are allowed to play around with sex. Seriously – play! Go to a sex shop together, and buy a toy to play with then have a go and talk about how you both felt. Sex toys are healthy in sex life (and bloody amazing if done right!). Play with alternative positions, role play, dress up, or read my article on sexting to use this as a tool for foreplay. Dressing up helps you to feel desirable, not just for your partner. All the effort you are going to here is not for your partner – it is for you both.
#3. Excitement
You need to go and do something brand new together and have some fun with it.
You might decide to go go-carting, or canoeing or even mountain climbing… I don’t know but doing something together that is new helps create a bond, it excites you and it encourages connection.
If you can get that adrenaline pumping – together – then this will help you reconnect.
#4. Compliment/appreciate
This one is a bit straight forward – compliment your partner and show your appreciation BUT by saying ‘I love you’ every morning and night is not going to cut it. Saying ‘you look great’ is alright but try and personalise the compliment. So, some do not need their partner to say that they love them or that they look great, but they probably love it when their partner recognises something small that they have achieved. It could be acknowledging how they handled a conversation, or a situation and a strength they showed, or it may be how they dealt with one of the kids when they had a meltdown. It might be recognising some contributions they make to the home or it could just be commenting on them in a positive way when they least expect it like, ‘I do love your eyes when you get all worked up. You look soooo hot!’ The nicer you are to them, the nicer they will be to you… but be sincere and authentic with it.
#5. What did you first love?
When you first fell in love with them and wanted to rip their clothes off, why was that? Think about what first attracted you to them and consider how you could pull out those strengths. If you first fancied them because of how they dressed, and now their tidiness has changed somewhat talk to them about it and hit them up to wear those ‘sexy’ clothes again.
Maybe they loved going hard and fast with work and fun, but now they are middle-aged, less energetic, and often tired. Think about how you can tap into that ‘hard and fast’ side. It may not be quite the same, but you may be able to tap into it a little if you try hard. What motivates them these days? If you do not know the answer to this one, then it is time to get to know and understand them again. Ask the questions and find out the answers!
#6. Get personal
Do you spend a lot of time together? Now think about it again… do you spend a lot of time together??
You might sit down near each other, or have tea together but you can have an hour a day of personal time or you can have four hours of ‘general chit chat and small talk’ which has little value to your relationship. With chit chat, there isn’t connection or bonding going on… it’s almost just a routine thing to do with your partner. Think about how you can make it a more meaningful conversation. It might just be adding ‘how do you feel about that?’ at the end of their statement. Do it! Watch them look at you almost in complete surprise as they ‘feel’ you want to connect with them and understand them. You could even say ‘so what do you think we should do about that?’ when they talk to you about a problem. Here you are showing that you acknowledge that it is a shared problem (not just their problem) but you are asking for their thoughts and you are demonstrating that you value what they say. Our language is key to getting personal and reconnecting with a partner. Language is incredibly powerful. Ask them personal questions and use shared vocabulary ‘we’ ‘us’ ‘our’ and watch the power this has.
#7. Eyes
Want to know a secret? Look into your partner’s eyes… deeply and just hold it! When you hold it and take each other in, this builds the connection.
I agree – it may feel weird at first and they may laugh and say, “what are you doing?” But hold it… and take them in… breathe… Ask them to take you in… feel them deep in your core. This is one of the most incredible feelings in the world when you can feel them through their eyes. If you are in a long-distance relationship, you can still do this via video, but do it… and embrace it.
#8. Health
If you take any medications, are overweight, underweight, consume more alcohol than usual, or have other health concerns then this could also be impacting whether you feel sexually attracted to your partner. See your doctor if you are worried or to rule anything out.
#9. Resentment/anger
Do you feel frustration, anger, or resentment towards your partner? You might not even realise it, but if you do, then until you work through those feelings and emotions that are attached to those thoughts, you might never become sexually attracted to them again. Have they ever acted in a way that has upset you?
Do they have any behaviours that make you feel negative emotions? If they do, then try and talk to them about their behaviours. If you do not feel safe enough to talk to them, then why on earth would you feel safe having sex with them? Have a think about your own behaviours too. Do you ever do or say anything that may put them off you?
#9. Old flame
Unfortunately, an old fling could be holding you back! You could even be attracted to somebody else, somebody exciting and new to you. Either of these will negatively impact your sexual attraction to your current partner and if you want to become more sexually attracted to your partner then you must let them go. I could say cut all ties, but that can be tough, so I will say redefine the friendship with whoever is preventing you from desiring your partner. You know what you need to do and maybe this is an article on its own to write about. I am not sure what the secret is when you want someone so badly, and it is not your partner. I will just say to avoid them and reduce the contact best you can or have rules around your contact that you use.
#10. Use your sexuality
Men – women want you to be the man! Ladies – men want you to be the lady! Work out what this means to you, and your partner. Have a chat about what you want from each other, in many ways, not just sexually, and then compromise and make it happen. Remember, this is both of you putting effort in here so if you are willing, then so may they. If they are not 100% willing at first, do not dig your heels in! You be the one to give in… they may soon follow.
#11. Initiate
Everybody loves it when their partner wants them and initiates sex! I am leaving this one here. I do not care how old you are or what your gender – go initiate the whole evening… take the lead.
If you say that you are always the one who initiates it, then ask them to! Talk to them and let them know that you would be excited if they initiated sex with you.
#12. Trust
I am not talking about ‘relationship’ trust here, although it is incredibly important. I am referring to that general trust in decision making, behaviours, and responses.
Try not to second guess them, show any doubt, and certainly do not always make alternative suggestions. Saying that you trust them is one thing but reassuring them throughout your whole relationship that you do, demonstrates your attitude. Let go of control sometimes and let them have it. Does it matter if they drive slower than you, do not cook as well as you, or do not mow the lawn quite the same as you?
#13. Appearance
This is tricky. If you do not fancy them at all then having sex with them could be a challenge. If you do all the steps above then fancying them should not be so important but the truth is, it is important. If your partner has ‘let themselves go’ have a look at yourself and think about whether you have done the same, then approach it together. If they have put on weight, or lost weight, or do not invest much effort into their appearance anymore and it means a lot to you, have a chat with them. You could use the approach, “I love your hair when you… and I find you incredibly good looking when you… shall we have a date night and…?” It might sound cheesy, but it is better than giving up.
The key is, steps 1 to 13 will help the relationship and will empower you both – with that will often follow other factors… so if you are improving in the relationship and they feel more connected, they may naturally start to put more effort into themselves. You then notice, compliment them and this will build. You have so much more power over how your partner looks and feel than you realise… and if it leads to improved sex for you both – great!
Sexual attraction can be an element in your relationship that can return if you are willing to put in the effort. You may need to talk to your partner though, as they need to apply some effort too.
Relationships grow and survive when both partners invest in each other. The key to success is time, patience, and practicing gratitude. Be grateful for your partner, all they do and all they are, and remember to let them know.
Sometimes though, two people do move on from each other or grow apart and this is ok, but having a go at the above for the short-term is a good approach to working out whether it is time to move on from each other in the long-term.
Always have one last shot at it and if it is over, then talk about it, accept it, and move on.