Righto! Here it is… a question we all ask at some point!
You are going to all the effort, you text them first, you plan the dates and you buy the gifts. You look sexy for them, you ring them and unless you initiate the conversation, then they just never seem to make the effort. They are hardly ever ‘emotionally’ present and the investment into the relationship just does not feel equal. It is always YOU!
You might be married, or not but unless you feel a balance and an equal commitment, then one day you will maybe ask yourself, “what the hell am I doing?”
Well, I wish I could say to you ‘talk to them’ and ‘tell them how you feel’ but the bottom line is – YOU HAVE BEEN!! In your own communicative manner, you have been crying out for more… you have been asking for THEM and you have almost reached the tip of the iceberg.
Ohhh this is a tricky one, especially if they are more invested in their work than they are in you.
I would love to explain how some people are conditioned to behave in a certain way, especially if your partner is in their 40s or 50s and have been career-focussed for so long. Changing this behaviour will be a challenge and I am not about to start justifying it.
“Leave them” is really what I want to say, but it also is not the solution, not if you love them. If you both have something special, and the connection, love and loyalty is still deep then you must dig a little deeper one last time and do the hardest thing yet. (I squirm at this because I get how painful it will be for you) BUT you need to have a conversation (ouch! Phew… there it is… I said it).
You think that you have already had the conversation, but you haven’t. No!! You have not…
As painful as this will be, if you do it well and you have their full attention you might be surprised at the outcome. Remember, you only think that you have been telling them…
Work out what it is they are not doing so when they ask, you have examples, but just dig a little deeper and think about whether there is anything that they are doing (because if there is, they will recall it). When you have it worked out, work out how it makes you feel. How does it make you feel really? Think about how you will share these thoughts and feelings, so they are received with an open mind and open heart. Be prepared – they may feel hurt, upset or angry.
Ensure your partner is not distracted and fully present when you do have the chat, and certainly do not have this conversation over the phone. Remember too, that these feelings for you have been building for while so they are really loud in your mind- to you! Not to them. They could be a surprise to your partner! Seriously – do not be surprised if they have nooooo idea how you feel.
As you talk, listen. Your partner has needs too and you are most likely about to find out what the hell you are not doing in the relationship as well. It works both ways and neither you, nor your partner are perfect.
Keep talking, right? Keep on talking until you find some solutions that work for you both, even if only one solution comes out of this, that is a positive step to moving forwards. Do not expect a miracle change in behaviour, but it is fair to ask for very small incremental changes, step by step.
Make sure you do give it one last shot and have that really painful, confronting conversation. Until you have had it, don’t walk away on what you have. After you have had the conversation, if then, and only then are there no improvements then yeah… quit investing all your precious time and effort and go find yourself someone special who will absolutely adore you for the energy and love you give to them.