For a fantastic friendship to exist, there must be a strong connection, whether the friendship is platonic or romantic, both require each person to check in on each other, show up for each other and get to know, understand and trust the deeper parts of each other. As more time is invested into each of these elements, the connection grows.
You may have read my comments around the importance of connection. Fact – it is a basic psychological human need and without it, then we are unlikely to feel fulfilled.
So, what happens when your great friend, who just so happens to be the opposite sex, or same sex if this is your preference, but what happens when you experience a sexual encounter with each other? The term ‘friends with benefits’ was born from this very scenario, but are there benefits?
Do you know how often people say, “but there was a really strong connection and it was just sex!” Then a couple of months down the track, if they are not deeply in love as soul mates, their whole friendship has gone belly-up. Well, ‘it was just sex’ is wrong! If there IS a strong connection, it is never EVER just sex.
Romantic and sexual interactions are quite different and for both friends to have the same take on what is really happening is cutting it fine. However, both parties agreed to no soppy lovey-dovey romantic stuff! Both agree that there would be no flowers, no gifts, no demands, and no dates. Both agreed at the start that it was purely a physical act of sexual intercourse, among two friends. Simple, right?
What often happens in this situation, is one person is able to separate the sex from the friendship but the other develops a stronger emotional connection and secretly hopes and longs for it to become a romantic relationship. When one only sees the physical acts as providing them with sexual pleasure but the other hopes or expects more, herein lies the beginning of the end to what was once a wonderful friendship.
If this is you, and you are considering sleeping with your friend, take some time out alone and weigh it up. Ask yourself whether you are willing to forfeit your great friendship for some physical pleasure because you are not agreeing to anything more at this stage. Resentment will build, your chemicals will fire differently every time you see each other, and it could become very confusing. You may fall in love, but you may also no longer be able to share in each other’s company.
Once sex knocks on the door of friendship, the friendship will never ever be the same again. Be aware too that this sexy friendship thing you might have going on, will create the illusion within you that your needs are being met. Remember how I said one of our key needs is connection? If your mind thinks that it is fulfilled, then you will not be looking for it. Your sexy friendship could be what holds you back from meeting that potential person with whom you are lucky enough to embark on the whole package deal with. Maybe in your circumstances the whole package deal does not suit you? Well, that is a call only you can make.
If you still really want to sleep with your friend, then think about working out the rules together. Have an open, honest, and raw chat about your feelings and expectations going forwards, not forgetting the sensitive discussion around ‘what if one of you starts a romance with someone else’? Certainly discuss this one! If you then decide you can both handle it, remember to keep that conversation going – honestly and openly and enjoy having great sex!
Ella.💕